Part 3: 10 - Expanding
Dani finds she has something to give
Things That Can’t Be Broken is a novel presented as a live draft, one chapter every week.
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Part 3 | A Storm Blowing from Paradise
10 - Expanding
Dani Marie Cartwright
Outside of time
I’m expanding.
I’m giggling now.
No, I’m not getting bigger because I eat too many cookies with Grammy. I mean. . . I can do more things and go more places. You know, like the universe—expanding.
I’m sitting with Mom now. Her teabag tag is swinging on her cup when she lifts it. It says, “Never regret your mistakes. Admire the courage it took to attempt the unknown.” I like that.
I can sit with Mom quietly anytime now if I don’t try to make her see me, kind of like I do with Kiko sometimes when he rattles. Mom doesn’t see me, but I can see her, and I can read what she’s writing. It’s not the same as being with George when I could sit on Mom’s lap and look up at her face when she stroked his back and scratched his neck, but I like being there when she’s writing. It feels like she’s talking to me.
The way Grammy explains it, I get to do more because I’m learning humility. That means I want to see other people succeed in what they’re doing more than I’m worried about being seen as myself and getting what I want from them. I’ve been working on that and it’s paying off. Part of me is always a ghost at the tree just like part of me is always with Grammy, but if I do it right, I can do a lot more.
Not only can I see through animals if they let me, but I found out I can sometimes be in a dream! It’s not easy to do. A lot of things have to happen exactly right for it to work, but it worked! Mom was thinking about her mom, my Grandma Arai, when she had that terrible accident and hit her head. She was so close to me for a few minutes. That was my opportunity.
It definitely doesn’t work unless you have something important to give the dreamer, besides, “Hey, look at me, I’m in your dream.” It can’t be just because you want to be seen as yourself. That’s ghost territory, and I’m really trying not to do that so much. I don’t want to get stuck.
The visit with Mom in her dream was amazing! It felt so good to fly with her, like we were a pair of kites with no strings. I think it worked because the main thing I was thinking was, what can I do for Mom? And Mom hadn’t seen her mom, my Grandma Arai, since before I was born. So, I brought her for a visit. That was the good part, but it kind of fizzled when Mom kept asking questions. Then Grandma Arai disappeared.
I wasn’t planning on flying with Mom in the dream, but I didn’t know what else to do. I really want to bring the horses back and I thought maybe she would help if I showed her sad Barb and the empty horse ranch. I guess that’s selfish. But I also showed Mom the bridge where Grandma Arai’s body was found, so it wasn’t all about me.
In case you’re curious, this is what I read in my mom’s notebook:
Lisa
8/24/08
“I found my mother—only thirty-one years after she left home. It was incredibly lucky.
Gladys, the elderly black woman I met at the thrift store, knew her as “Marie Smith”, not Lisa Marie Arai, or even Alessia Maria DeLuca. Gladys worked at the women’s shelter up until 1997 and Marie (Mom) had shown up there intermittently.
The first time they had record of her was when she wandered into the annual fundraiser choir concert in 1993. According to Gladys, that was the first year the concert was all Elvis’s gospel hymns. It was such a big success that year they’ve done it the same ever since, rotating songs for the performance. She said, “Marie rarely spoke to anyone.” Then she laughed warmly and added, “but she would sing along with any Elvis song!” That sounded like my mom in the last years I knew her.
I went to the shelter, which looked clean and comfortable. It was good to know she had a place to go. In their records, Mom was listed as Marie Smith, having no form of ID other than the card they made for her. Her body was found in May of 1996 on the road under a freeway overpass south of Las Vegas, far from the shelter, but not too far from where I had my accident. She died of exposure and long term-drug use, far from her family and the place she grew up. There may be some irony there.
The only thing Mom left behind was the small, framed photo I found hanging in the thrift shop. It’s strange and sad knowing how ill Mom was, that she could so easily disappear from us for so long. I wish I could have helped her. At least now I can mourn her passing, but I will never comprehend what she went through all those years.
I had a good cry at the concert. I can see how a performance like this could draw someone off the street. They may have been the hymns Elvis once recorded, but the live energy of the performance makes everything else I’ve heard all my life seem watered down. The music was a gift, a beautiful bridge that made me ache to be a part of something so joyful, where we could forget the things that separate us and sing as one with no lines drawn.
I’m going to send Darlene a thank you at the hospital, maybe some bright sunflowers.
With my heart so open, I felt my mom with me. I could almost touch her. It was like that vivid angel dream I had after the accident, but she was happy.
She feels gone now. Not gone in a sad or lonely way . . . I don’t know how else to say it, Mom is finally gone—in peace.
This felt like a big win to me. I helped Mom find her mother and now I can quietly sit with her anytime. But Grammy wasn’t cheering when I looked up at her from mixing the cookie dough.
She raised an eyebrow and said, “It’s not a bad thing you did, Dani, but it is an overstep. You need to be more careful.”
“I know,” I said. And I really did know. “I made it about me by taking her to see sad Barb and empty Allen Haven Ranch—but I didn’t tell her what I wanted her to do. I didn’t demand anything. I wasn’t even angry, and I didn’t say a word.”
Grammy nodded silently as she scooped dough onto the cookie sheet.
She doesn’t approve. I get that. She doesn’t want me to get stuck forever as a ghost. I really want the horses back at Allen Haven Ranch though. It’s way more important than just for me. I’m afraid if they don’t come back to Allen Haven, all the horses will disappear into the fog of the future. Every time I look for them, they walk away and I don’t see them anymore.
Thinking about the horses in the fog, I started to get angry again. “But Grammy . . . It’s not just for me! It’s for Barb, and for the others. I have to do what I can. Besides, I brought Grandma Arai to Mom. Isn’t that helping? Why can’t Mom help me, too?”
“That was clever what you did in the dream,” said Grammy, but she wasn’t quite smiling. “How did you do that?”
“I just found Grandma Arai and asked her to visit Mom with me. It took some convincing, but it’s not like I don’t have the time. She only speaks Elvis, which I don’t know much at all, but she seemed to understand me. Except in the dream Grandma Arai didn’t stick around, so I had to take over. . . But I wasn’t angry. And I didn’t ask Mom for anything. . .”
In truth, I was feeling dang proud of myself. But I’ll have to be more careful.
“Are you trying to convince me, Dani?” Grandma asked. Warmth radiated over me as she opened the oven and put the doughy cookies in to bake. “I’m only giving you advice.”
I couldn’t wait to taste them again. I decided to change the subject. “Why did my Grandma Arai run away from her family?”
Grammy said, “Not everything is easily explained, Sweetheart. Your Grandma Arai was given challenges most of us don’t have to deal with. Her joy was the biggest joy possible, and her sadness was the deepest sadness. She did the best she could with the challenges life brought her.”
“Do you think Mom is happier now?”
“I’m sure it gives her some peace knowing. It was a good gift, Dani, a thoughtful gift.” Grammy hugged me to her and kissed the top of my head. “You are a good spirit.”
I started to wonder what I could do for Daddy since he can do anything. He doesn’t need anybody’s help. “I saw Daddy at the bridge dedication, but I mostly never see him. Is it wrong that I miss him?”
“No, honey, it’s not wrong.“ Grammy took my small hands in hers and squeezed them while she looked into my eyes. “He will find you again as soon as he’s ready to look.”
Next
Part 3 | A Storm Blowing from Paradise
11 - Pinball